A little bit more on the engagement ceremony before I move on. The one person that I quite wanted to talk to was left unattended by me. She didn’t dance either, I’d noticed. Mildly interesting, I suppose. If at all.
Have i mentioned that i rather enjoy being an adult? There are just so many rules of etiquette protecting you from any kind of real interaction with people, it’s absolutely wonderful most of the time, except those times where you feel pretty empty inside, when it does nothing but exacerbate that feeling. All in all though i most definitely enjoy adulthood more than adolescence. Sweet fucking sixteen my hairy gonad-skin. Glad to done and over with it. Now i can actually enjoy myself a little bit. i don’t mean this in the way that it normally is, in the sense of an exploration as a consequence of newfound freedom. I enjoy it a lot more because there is just so much more to think about, so much to ponder, to care about, so many complications and consequences, and there aren’t a lot of things i enjoy doing more than pondering. Everything right from the minutiae of social interaction to career choices, the meaning of life, choice of clothing manufacturing sources, religion, the relevance of fiction in everyday life, your mind is just allowed to simply explode in terms of possibilities of what concepts to apply where. And i find this absolutely wonderful. And what’s all the more satisfying is that this is the way it’s going to be for as long as i live. I will always be accountable for the actions I undertake, and gives me immense satisfaction. Like what i do really matters. And what more does anyone really want than to matter, in whatever way that might be? Noone can take that away from me either, the unbreakable link between my sense of self and the things that I do, which just makes it sweeter. I do suppose that at this point I ought to be thankful for the opportunity to actually be able to take actions that make any difference in any tangent of existence whatsoever. What would I be able to do as a starving 8 year old with marasmus? Or even as a starving 22 year old? Responsibility. I do cherish it. I never thought I would when I was younger, but i really have developed an appreciation for it.
It’s great feeling to be invested in something, anything, caring about it, and aligning it’s purpose with your sense of your own. That opportunity to escape from your self and all the anchors that it brings, is simply irreplaceable as an experience. It’s almost like stepping into someone else’s nicer car, except that you have a stake here, and you’re still as fired up about whatever it is that you have that stake in. I highly recommend it.