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Siddharth's Daily (μ/micro)Blog

aspiring advocate or something

Month

May 2014

a double take at your last major interview

fucking hell. it’s simply so confusing. one day you decide that teach for india might be a good out-of-college option, and the next day you’re reading opinions and blogs talking about how it’s part of the neo-liberal structure that pervades the economy and society today. a corporate job was already ‘out of the question’, as it were, but no, wait, there’s a recruitment call from the only firm you’ve ever interned in in the only mainstream field of law you ever found interesting, surely you have to take it? surely? I mean of course you have at the very least that minimum level of humanity to look at your family’s situation and take a decision factoring that in as well, yes? Of course I don’t mean to insinuate that you don’t, of course not, wouldn’t dream of it. Heh heh heh. This is what life is about. Headaches and indecision. Crippling desires and iron-fisted morality. Hahahahah. You try and try and try harder and at the end of the shenanigans a clown comes out of nowhere and breaks an egg on your head. On the front half of your head, so that the insides dribble all over your face. Because that’s when you really start to enjoy the ride. That’s when you suddenly start earning enough money to start taking decisions yourself and guess what? You’re even worse at life than you thought! You laughed at your parents and all those other adults but never really learned from their mistakes, only to imitate them. So what do ou do once you’ve lunched alone and banged that shady hooker? Pick up that new project at work? That should add some meaning to your life, shouldn’t it? Maybe it’ll end up in that big jump in job prospects you’ve been looking forward to so much for the past month. Or maybe you’re going to be unsatisfied with the way people working with you are choosing to carry out the project like you were last time and make such a big conflict within the project that the whole damn thing is going to come crashing down the way it did last time.

But maybe I’m being too harsh on you. You deserve a chance. A chance to show that you can turn things around this time. <snort> Pardon me. Alright, I admit, I don’t think you’re going to turn things around. But I still wouldn’t mind giving you a shot anyway. I mean, any small change you make from where you were last time, that’s – that’s a step in a positive direction, right? So go ahead. Show is what you’re made of.

Just don’t fuck this one up. Ha.

Loma’s Matchbox

Glasnost

Written by Anshuman Singh, LLM.

We submarined yesterday in Wang’s room. Kshitiz, Wang, Loma, Bala, Param, Anand, and myself. Loma took a matchbox, played around with it for a while. Something occurred to him then, probably because no one was talking. A vacuum had to be filled. It was almost as if everyone was expecting a magic trick of some sort – waiting for something to emerge from nothing. He tossed and turned the box in his hands, and asked me, “Which side do you think the black heads are on?” Having said as much, he proceeded to topple and turn the wretched thing over and over, as though it had no bearing on the affair.

But did it? No one was playing to win, really, even though it was that very illusion that sustained the entire script. Once again, he asks, “Which side?” I point my fingers to the…

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why i said fuck you to the person i just appreciated. or didn’t.

so today i was simply imagining another conversation wherein… wait stop. I was rather imagining how a real conversation I actually had could have developed differently than it did. in the real one we were discussing a certain person. or rather how this person among others wasn’t informed about a relevant and important decision taken by the person i was talking to. i imagined myself suggesting, in response, that this particular person was worthy of their regard and that they could probably have agreeably taken this person into their confidence in the matter. i imagined how the person would have reacted if i had said it in their presence. probably with something like “aww how sweet” or something, i thought to myself. at which point i knew that i would feel that the right thing to do would be to say “fuck you” to them.

and then probably follow up with “don’t get me wrong. i do value your appreciation of me. but the thing is it’s a personal kind of appreciation you’re showing me. and the kind of evaluation i made of you in return for which you’re giving me this appreciation is professional, not personal. and i do value you personally as well. i do crave your personal appreciation. which is why if you give it to me for the professional benefits i give you, it will encourage me to give you more professional praise or benefit in anticipation of your appreciation for me. Doling out professionally beneficial material for personal reward? That’s corruption right there. That’s why i can’t accept your appreciation for me. That’s why, fuck you. Don’t forget, I do love you.”

Imaginary conversations. The spice of life.

Crackle of the Counter

Oh dear lord. This is more of a therapy blog than a daily blog. Well, so be it.

Is it work i hate, or existence, or is it what i do? Studying is something everyone does, but stidying the law? In India? In National Law University Delhi? Is it just that I hate? Or is it a larger category of studying, therefore qualifying me to be branded as lazy and unworthy? The not-so-latter question has some merit. The way they teach the law in general is absolutely pathetic. I don’t necesarily mean the teaching quality. But simply the way the entire thing is built. Fifty courses, worth some what 500 credits, taught over the course of 42 months of semester time. That’s a frankly undoable level of coursework that’s being imposed on a set of faculty and students who are unable to deliver. But maybe I am exaggerating. There are a lot of high CGPAs in some batches, and quite often the students do actually remember what they learned in previous courses and its ramifications. These two groups of students don’t always overlap a lot, but that’s alright.

Harlots and Hemingways, cheer for the great Sultan on Poorpur, who makes his way in his stately thingamabob!

A full five minutes standing in one place outside and then pushed away fearing someone was going to walk by twice and see how weird I am.

Stream o consciousness. Does this qualify? Do I need to spell right while doing this? How are the rules of grammar altered, if at all, in this form of writing?

Enough of this bull shit! I will leave all of this to rot and run away. somewhere far away where neither projects friends deadlines commitments or whatsapp messages (or indeed the lack thereof) can bother me. I will leave all this shit and flush it down, to die somewhere else, happier and hungrier.

I don’t even want to talk about it but… Okay, I won’t.

Time to take a shower.

ba ba buick ship

I’m back. The unit tests are over,  and the only sign that’s left of them is the horrible hangover i have of utter hopelesssness and sloth that they’ve resulted in.

Contrast this to a number of weeks ago when I was blissfully busy, engage in something or the other every single day so consistently, and filled with marvellous larger ambitions for life, all of which seemed palpably possible and doable. And now I decide to skip an exam as well as a class within half an hour when there’s still over an hour left for the class.

And it’s a funny thing, but it hasn’t been until I got down to writing this (and this particular paragraph at that) that I actually got to thinking about getting out of this rut of sorts. Before this point it’s just been a dazed acceptance of this state of being, with no real questioning or concentrated opposition to speak of. The process of putting this stuff down in words however does help in terms of thinking about it to the extent of realizing that it needn’t be a state to accept without question, and certainly not one to be unperturbed about. So writing this blog has some tangibly positive impact on my mind, it would seem. Whether or not it will bring results is something that will have to be observed in due time.

Does this still count as a daily blog if I’ve missed three days on account of the tests? Even if one was willing to make that allowance for a student, the fact does remain that I didn’t do a lot of studying during those three days that I spent away from the blog. I suppose an exception can be made seeing as it’s the first time it’s happened.

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