so today i was simply imagining another conversation wherein… wait stop. I was rather imagining how a real conversation I actually had could have developed differently than it did. in the real one we were discussing a certain person. or rather how this person among others wasn’t informed about a relevant and important decision taken by the person i was talking to. i imagined myself suggesting, in response, that this particular person was worthy of their regard and that they could probably have agreeably taken this person into their confidence in the matter. i imagined how the person would have reacted if i had said it in their presence. probably with something like “aww how sweet” or something, i thought to myself. at which point i knew that i would feel that the right thing to do would be to say “fuck you” to them.
and then probably follow up with “don’t get me wrong. i do value your appreciation of me. but the thing is it’s a personal kind of appreciation you’re showing me. and the kind of evaluation i made of you in return for which you’re giving me this appreciation is professional, not personal. and i do value you personally as well. i do crave your personal appreciation. which is why if you give it to me for the professional benefits i give you, it will encourage me to give you more professional praise or benefit in anticipation of your appreciation for me. Doling out professionally beneficial material for personal reward? That’s corruption right there. That’s why i can’t accept your appreciation for me. That’s why, fuck you. Don’t forget, I do love you.”
Imaginary conversations. The spice of life.